Loneliness

I feel incredibly lonely this evening. The kind of lonely you feel in a crowded room, that is somehow amplified by 1000 when you're later alone. I feel like I'm not being heard, that I could be screaming at the top of my lungs and yet I'm still muffled and invisible. It's like a weird dream, where you can't move your feet and you can't stop moving at the same time. I guess I mostly feel out of control, drained. My stress couldn't get much worse, barring serious injury or illness (*crosses self*). I'm just really confused about so many things in my life right now and I feel so alienated because I know that ultimately these decisions I'm pondering are for me alone to make, yet I'm not the only one who will be affected by their consequences.

Damnit. Someone save me.

It was raining the other day, here on the river, where there is mist rising up It makes me feel as if I'm in the river, drifting in the current, waiting for it to take me one place, or another. I can't swim, and so I will just float, not wanting to choose one shore, but to just stay in the middle until I'm too tired of drifting and must make my way. I want no lifeline, no rescue. I require the water, the clouds, the mist.