Instant Karma

Want to know my philosophy on life? I believe that everything is cyclical - that what goes around truly does come around. This may not present it itself in the ways you think it will (e.g., you give someone a hundred dollars when they're down and someone does the same for you later). Goodness begats goodness and wickedness begats wickedness. Even as cynical as I am, I still believe this is true.

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon youre gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin to do
Its up to you, yeah you

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin at fools like me
Who in the hell dyou think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Evryone come on

Instant karmas gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Evryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When youre evrywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

- John Lennon

P.S. Although I believe in karma, life is also unfair. Need an example? John Lennon gets assassinated and Paul McCartney lives long enough for his face to droop and to become embroiled in a bitter divorce with his one-legged wife. Yeah, doesn't that figure? Wait. . . in a way that is karma. lol (And for the ultimate "fuck you" song, listen to my profile song, written by Lennon and guitar by Harrison, about Paul McCartney. Genious.)

Herff Jones Just Ate My Pocketbook

I was sitting at the computer yesterday afternoon when Caitlin came home from school. She opened the door, gave the dog an obligatory pat on the head and some baby talk before proceeding over to where I sat, excitedly thrusting some papers under my nose. "The class ring people were at school today!"

Ugh. Two things went through my mind: "Already?" and "How much is this going to cost me?" She has, of course, already picked out what she wants and eagerly shows it to me. She points to a silver ring with a "Vistavue" top (for those of you that don't remember, those were the rings with the "picture" in them). I start to quiz her.

"Is this silver-looking ring okay with you? Because I can't really afford gold. Or silver, for that matter. But if it's not, we'll work it out."

I get a shrug in response. "That's fine. I don't really care either way."

Whew. First hurdle went smoothly. Awesome . She's getting the one that isn't even a real metal. It's ultrium, or whatever. Which sounds a lot like "ultimatum": You either get the ring that you can't pawn for food and rent when you're fresh out of college and poor as a church mouse or you get nothing. But that's cool with me. I think to myself, "I bet I can swing a ring that probably has the same chemical components as gravel."

She starts to point to all the "pridesides" she wants (you know, the little pictures on the sides of the ring). I say, "Hold your panties on. Momma needs a price list." She shuffles some papers around and we locate the price list. I drag my finger across the page until I find the ring style she wants. $169.74. Oh, that's not so bad. Okay. I'm doing calculations in my head and I'm starting to breathe a little sigh of relief. I think I can handle that, especially with her sister's birthday coming up in October, her birthday in November and Christmas around the corner.

"What color stone do you want?"

"I think just a clear one. What is that, April?" We look, we locate it, yes, it's April. Done. I pull out the little check list of different options, mark the ultrium box and the April stone box.

I notice that we have to pick a cut of stone. I ask her what she wants. "Just whatever is in that picture." Hmmmm. We figure it out. And then I notice that the stone is EXTRA. Yep. You get the gravel ring only for $169.74. The stone is an extra $25. I'm sorry, that's wrong. You have to pay for the cut of the stone. But all the different stone cut options are extra. So, yeah, you're paying extra for the stone. This pisses me off, but what can you do, right? Grrrr.

She gets me all excited when she pulls out a coupon and says, "But I get something for free!" Oh, thank God, I think. I get all the options for free for ordering ahead of schedule. Or free shipping. Or a bottle of cognac to wash down the hopes and dreams of a wonderful Christmas. Nope. It's a coupon for free name engraving on the inside of the ring. Gee, thanks. That saves us a whopping $20 for something we wouldn't have done otherwise. "Tell Mr. Herff-Jones he's a hell of a guy."

Okay, now we're on the pridesides. She picks softball and culinary arts. Fine. And for her Vistavue she wants an artist's palette. Okay. Whatever. I'm now numb to all of the extras. Just pile it on. I start to peruse the different pridesides you can get. I chuckle and say, "You should get the sign language 'I Love You' and open wheel racing. No wait! The dream catcher and the hunting!" She humors me.

Okay, I start adding it up: the ring alone is $169.74. Each prideside is, I believe, $25 and the Vistavue top is $30. The stone is $30. So, the total is now at $279.74 without shipping and handling and tax. Shit. When did that happen? This gravel ring is going to cost me $300?

After popping a few pills for my blood pressure and thinking that I really should talk to my doctor about Xanax, I start doing more calculations in my head. The coming months bring her 16th birthday and expectations of driving school, which costs about $275. For those of you who don't know (and then why in the hell are you reading this?), I'm still in school, living on student loans and what I can eek out as a medical transcriptionist at home.

"Okay, maybe if I don't pay the cell phone bill. No, that won't work. Okay. Let's see. I could get a part-time job. No. When do I have time? Hmmmm. I could sell something. Like my blood."

I decide to talk to her about it, just mention it. As a parent, I want to be able to provide her with everything, but I am also confident that, as she's nearing adulthood, she will understand my predicament.

"Caitlin, with your ring costing $300 and driver's ed another $300, not counting insurance, I'll be spending over $600 on you in the next few months. I'm thinking that should be your birthday present, especially with Christmas right around the corner. And that's a pretty hefty birthday present."

Nothing but a blank stare from her and a suppressed sigh. I guess her stare wasn't exactly blank. I could read what she was thinking: "Damnit."

I try to explain, and then get angry that I have to explain. Damnit, I'm doing the best I can, the most I can do right now. I decide to shelve further discussion for later. Like when she starts pestering me about a nose ring again, or what we're going to do for her birthday party. Or a car. And a homecoming dress.

So, if you're one of the teenagers reading this, take this one thing away from my musings: be kind to your parents. Nine times out of ten they probably get angry and frustrated with you because they really do want to give you the best of everything and they can't. And if you're a parent reading this, take heart - you're not alone. And if you're reading this as a single person with no children - celebrate with lots of prophylaxes. You deserve it!

Guido Calling

*WARNING* I use quotes a lot in the following tirade. If that bugs you, don't read it.

Do you know what I love first thing in the morning? Or anytime throughout the day? To be treated like a damn idiot. I get a letter in the mail from Northern Kentucky University a week ago that says I have to complete their student loan "exit interview and counseling" and my records will be placed on hold until I do. Okay, whatever.

I sit down to do the "exit interview and counseling" this morning. Not only do I have to fill out my name, current address, phone number, but the same information for "personal references". (For those of you playing along at home, that means: "Give us the names of people who will help us track you down when you skip out on these student loan payments because they are ridiculously high and we don't really expect you to be able to make a decent living and pay this crap back and we'll never be able to track you down in that homeless shelter.") They then asked for the name and address of my "expected employer". I vacillated between McDonald's and the CIA, and finally just clicked "non-applicable". Bitches.

So, I finally get all of my "personal info" out of the way. I am then prompted to either "study" or "take the exam". What?! What exam? I am a GRADUATE. I refuse to study for any exam. So I click on the "take the exam" prompt. Here I am lead to the lower echelon of Idiocy. The very first thing I read is this (my comments are in red):

"It is important to know exactly how much money you owe. After graduation, the typical undergraduate student at Northern Kentucky State University owes $19,000 while the typical graduate student owes $27,000. Depending upon how much you borrowed, your loan debt may be higher or lower than this figure. No shit? I wasn't a math major, so I'm really glad they cleared this up for me.

In addition to knowing how much you owe, it is even more important to understand your debt burden, or the impact that debt payments have on your lifestyle. Don't you mean it's more important to understand the impact that my lifestyle will have on my debt payments? They make it sound like I should choose my debt payment over that brand new pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. Those silly people!

During repayment, you must pay back the total amount you borrowed, plus interest. Typically, this involves making monthly loan payments for 10 years. Regardless of the amount, your monthly loan payment reduces the money left to pay for needs such as rent and food. There they go again - blowing my mind! I had no idea that I would need to pay for things like housing and food. And do you see where they put the priority? On the loan payment! *rolls in laughter and wipes tears from eyes* See what they did there? My loan payment may affect what money is LEFT OVER for rent and food. "Man, I haven't eaten in weeks! Darn loan payment!"

Managing your debt burden and still meeting your needs is the key to paying back your loans while maintaining a decent lifestyle." I have a feeling the real key to paying back my loans while maintaining a decent lifestyle involves a hotplate, some beakers and a case of Sudafed.

Okay. Ready for some sample questions? I thought I was too.

"If I cannot get a job, I do not have to pay back my loan." This was one of my favorite true or false questions. You know I answered false.If I default on my student loan payments:
-My tax refunds may be held and/or my wages garnished
-In certain states, my professional license may be revoked
-I will owe collection costs and attorney's fees
-All of the above Is the name of the guy who wrote this exam "Guido"? *knock*knock* Who's there? *Goons. Hired goons.* Yeah, I get it. If I don't pay the loan, I get in trouble. But if I don't have the money to pay the loan payment, genius, how am I going to pay attorney's fees and collection costs?

I'll spare you the rest. But you get the idea. It's the electronic equivalent of a 7 foot, 400 lb. man standing over top of you, punching a fist into his palm and begging you to get an answer wrong.

So. Here is what I have for you, Federal Government Student Loan Program. Thanks for keeping me bobbing above poverty level for almost three years now. *raises glass* And here's to 10 more years of the same!!



P.S. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I went back to school this fall. Haha!! Take that, Federal Student Loan Program!!